you were the woman of the year
for me in 1993
you kept me alive while
I tried to die for sixteen days
you and the commander
from montenegro and
the great blonde from
the norwegian underground
and so last year
I failed at everything
as usual including
for a change
trying to kill myself
because I saw
the death of
love everywhere
around me
since then
I have not wanted
to die so much again
I found some new friends
we try to help one another
with the anodynes
of sex drugs & money
we do the best we can
I suppose now that I can hold out
and get what I need
when I can
from helping others
whose lives have
imprisoned them here
au revoir nurse rousseau
I’m sure you don’t remember me
you save lives for a living
but last night when I went out
again hopeless about happiness
I dedicated the night
the last of last year
to my memory of you
standing at the foot of my bed
in the intensive care ward
saying sadly to the doctor
he doesn’t respond
he doesn’t respond
to anything I do
to anything I try
then you must have looked at me
because something arose inside me
and traveled over to you
and breath moved my body
I remember rolling over
in your direction
and so I didn’t die of pneumonia
in 1993 as I had planned
and happiness
is still a dream
but I did crawl
one
night
through the barbed wire
of life and death
toward the huge love in your eyes
I will remember you
as long as I live
I hope
and perhaps I will see
love in someone’s eyes
again
12.31.93